i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
