Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Bring me that man meat
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
