honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
