I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
