I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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