I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
