My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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