I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
