she woke up with a sticky ear
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
