Betty ford says i'm here all night
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
