A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
