just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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