i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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