then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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