trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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