I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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