I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
