dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
