so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
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I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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