I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
