Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
