walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I deserve this hangover.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
