Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
