I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
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Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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