Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
