If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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