remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
