please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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