so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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