sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
