wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
