Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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