I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
