Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
