i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
