you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
