just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
