Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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