My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
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He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize