i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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