Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
