i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
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His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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