Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
