Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
