You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
