End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
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I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize