4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
