I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
