im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
