i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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