she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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