My pussy is not your playground.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
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we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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