What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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