the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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