sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
