we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
